it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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