Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Randomize
