We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
