Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
