All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I need help removing her.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
