Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize