Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You can't special order awesome
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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