My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
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