i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
