And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
