mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
