Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Randomize