I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
