areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
