I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I pour the whiskey from now on
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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