So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
