happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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