Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
