If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
