We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
