I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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