Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
