this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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