woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Randomize
