Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My life is pants optional.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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