ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
