a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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