That's when you crack a 10am beer
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
