I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
