Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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