so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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