I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
