So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
