Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
