So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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