She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
