its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
