Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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