You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
