Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
