haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
