you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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