there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
