You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I want to be your penis for a week.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
