she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Randomize
