Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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