I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
