All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
