I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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