My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
