Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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