My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
