if i can run in heels then i can drive
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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