I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
