there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
