she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
