my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
