omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
