At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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