I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
