Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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