My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
