Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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